you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
