I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
