after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
