my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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