I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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