my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I won't apologize to a one balled man
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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