I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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