Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
