while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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