My hair reeks of homosexuality.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
