if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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