so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ketchup is God's man juice
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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