After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
