can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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