dude i'm inner monologue high
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
