he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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