The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
