dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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