You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
