What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize