the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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