just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
