do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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