ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i will never coherently bang her
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize