Your tits are I can't wait for
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
