If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dignity is for republicans.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
