I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
