I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Are my feet made of real feet?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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