My room smells like vodka and shame
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
