Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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