Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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