My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
