Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Are we still banned from the library?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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