You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
