He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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