I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
