Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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