She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize