After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Holy sore nipples Batman
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
