Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The struggles of a small town man whore
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
