I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just threw up on my dentist
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
