Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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