Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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