hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize