I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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