If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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