What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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