She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
