She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
