Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
