I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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