My liver just broke up with me...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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