I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
sex in a hospital.. check
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
