If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
