Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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