Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
