saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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