i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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