He had one of those small greek statue penises
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
