my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
