Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
