Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
