I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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