2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
did you just send me my own nude
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I still have a little drunk in my system
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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